again

I can't seem to shake this... I have incessant headaches and can't seem to rid myself of them. It seems to push me to do my OCD things again to get my mind off of my headache. What a weird thing. Painting has been therapeutic lately and it makes me happy. I am looking forward to finishing my 3rd series... It may take some time though. Ah well. It is worth it. The peace found there is good and so the time it takes prolongs periods of peace. Beautiful.

i have no job

therefore no insurance' so i cant go see my doctor. plus i needed to see the dr today so i went to the clinic and they asked about past medical history. huh, this could be fun. gawking half smiling stares are really fun.

there have been many times in my life when i see my ocd popping up and affecting those around me. in the past few years it has been mostly my husband and somewhat my 2-year old. they both do ok, but it's still rough for them. i have also seen some of my friends begin to bend due to the strain that this may bring. some have ignored me, some have "forgotten" to return phone calls, some have blatantly told me that they would love to hear from me when i'm "feeling better". but then there have been the few that i have relied on. been loved by and cared for by. just to let them know... i love you all. you know who you are; ck, svk, sb, jnw, rvm, cvp. you guys have been my stronghold along with mark and kenny. you relieved the strain mark and kenny are put under when dealing with me. muah.

time?

i think that ocd doesn't get any better with time. i think it just hides and then pops back in to ruin one's life. what a deal. i want to forget anything is happening. i want to feel real again.

thought i was crazy

distortion seems to play to big a part in my life at times. especially now. especially lately. apparently painting offers me no relief from my ocd. i counted to 350 yesterday to find that i needed one more stroke to hit a good number. let me remind you that my arms were exhausted. what a dumb thing. shit. happy counting all.

hmm....

it's funny how i count words and letters and so forth but yet music doesn't seem to have this need to me. it does not seem necessary nor do i think about it. that's good of course, but it also seems weird/ironic. maybe that's why i find such solace and peace in music. i get much emotion from music, much like many other people but sometimes i feel like maybe my emotion is acted out through music. my music or others' music. either way it seems odd that something so important and meaningful in my life can also be one of the things i don't count. ha. funny.

counting sheep anyone?

i'm not usually a sheep-counter. i just don't do that. i get up or read or listen to music. something more like that to help me fall asleep. as long as i don't notice the clock that's about 7-8 feet away from me perched on the dresser i'm usually ok. yes, a clock on the dresser is my downfall. it's digital with huge bright green numbers.... and dots.... and empty spaces. it's so time consuming because it keeps changing (time)! it's really quite comical. i realize this, i also realize that seeing the clock will lead to me counting the dashes, dots, and empty space for hours. i'm off to try to count sheep. good all.